Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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