I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
