I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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