Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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