I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize