eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
