so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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