we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
