My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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