i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
only you would photoshop your dick
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize