Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
