Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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