Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
