I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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