My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The Olympian is in my bed
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
