so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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