i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My penis needs a shock collar
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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