My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
