i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
