if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
