it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
