im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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