I bet he comes in French.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I believe in your delicious
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
