so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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