Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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