I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
