I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
