I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
