I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
