I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
