I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
