I'm really into asian looking animals
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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