Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
