The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
