Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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