Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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