my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize