We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
