I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
