Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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