im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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