eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
