my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
