sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
