oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
