GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
