Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
