I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize