I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my shit smells like andre
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
