I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Two words: blizzard sex
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
