I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize