He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize