and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
