Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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