Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize