this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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