fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize