dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
