When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Iβm going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex heβs ever had even with the broken couch
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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