I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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