just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
