piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize